Baby Steps

My parents got here yesterday and I honestly could not be happier to have them here! We had a great day walking through San Francisco, taking them to a couple of our favorite places [Liguria, Lai Hong Lounge, Rogue], I cooked up a pretty tasty dinner [if I do say so myself ;)], and we polished off the last of the cheesecake

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I wanted to preface this post by saying that I actually wrote it last week. Though, I didn’t really want to hit publish on Valentine’s Day so I saved it. My feelings, unfortunately, haven’t budged since then [sorry ma], but I can guarantee you, I’m going to enjoy the hell out of this week with my parents. It’s the best.

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You know that saying “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”?  Somehow I always forget how true it really is. I’ve been doing my best over the last couple months to roll with the punches but damn, change is hard. It’s not that I thought moving to California would make everything easier because trust me, leaving my family and friends was not easy. It still isn’t easy and I certainly have my off days.

Rather than complaining about something, Nathan and I might say “welp.. that was a day” or “ok, that was food” [not that that ever happens in my kitchen ;)] and let’s just say last week was a week. I’ve been turned down from some pretty silly jobs since I’ve moved and while it might get me down one day, I might also laugh at it the next. You’re telling me I’m under-qualified for what?! Yea.. it happens. So I’ll concentrate on what I know best—eating and working out. Except somehow that was working better for me a year ago too.

I know I’ve mentioned feeling like I’ve found my stride in my food and workouts. That I feel like my body is regulating. And then shit hits the fan in another aspect of life and suddenly I’m questioning myself again. I find myself looking at my wedding pictures and thinking I had the willpower to do it then, so why not now? Sure, it might just be a couple pounds since the wedding but when I’m having a crappy day, I feel it and I see it. I thought I figured out my food and my workouts are consistent, as always, so what gives?

The other night I decided to take a look back at a week of food and workouts I tracked on My Fitness Pal. Turns out, I was consistently burning about 4000 calories from workouts per week. Now? We’re looking at about 2500 or so. Oh, so there’s a change in my body? Go freaking figure. I can share posts about throwing out the scale until I’m blue in the face, but it’s really easier said than done.

Remember this little post? Yea. A year ago I was doing a minimum of 45 minutes of cardio everyday. Minimum! And you know what? I still wanted more out of myself. I’ve learned a bit since then and significantly cut back on my cardio but seeing the changes in my body makes sometimes makes me reconsider. And then I remember that I’m still getting my workouts in and I have better things to do than spend that much time on a machine.

I wish so, so hard that I didn’t feel this way. I wish that I could just enjoy my damn self. I wish that I could just say screw willpower and really mean it. My time will come when I truly accept my body for the way it is and what it can do. And we will figure out life in California. And I’ll figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life. One step at a time. They may be baby steps right now, but we’ll get there.

In the meantime, I’m going to [try to] forget my crazy and make the most out of my time with my parents this week. I can guarantee you I wouldn’t have more fun if I had a 6-pack. Almost. Right?

Food for Thought

Do you question yourself?